I Lied. I’m Not Okay.

Every once in a while, my friends and other relatives check up on me. Usually asking “How are you?”, “How’s school?”, and such. And I’d just respond with the costumary laugh and “I’m good.”, “It’s great.”, “I’m okay.” Then I’d divert the topic about them. I think that’s pretty normal. Everyone is like that. You know, to keep them off your back. Right? 

And I lied. I’m not okay. Actually, I’ve been in-denial most of the time that I’m surrounded by other people. It’s like being okay, means conforming with everyone. I’m not the type who just goes with the flow, but doing this is less troublesome. If I tell them the truth, they’ll be obliged to make me feel better. Like giving advice, and words of encouragement. Empty words. And then there’ll be pity in their eyes. Cliche. But that’s reality. And I hate that as much as I hate myself for still feeling worthless. 

I’m going back to that place, that place where the voices tell me to escape. Because this is something I can never face, no matter how I encourge myself. I realize I’m just fooling myself. And deep inside, I know, even without the voices, that the only way to escape is to end everything. It’s funny though, I want to die, but I’m afraid to die. Ironic. 

Everyday, I wait for death to claim me. So dramatic. But I’m not doing anything. Will it come? Will it hurt? Ah. And I’m here again. In this place between existing and wanting to live. What a struggle. It’s making me laugh. It’s making me sick.

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Getting Back Up

As I was reading my past posts and my old journals, I can still remember the hopelessness that I felt back then. As well as my suicidal thoughts and motivations. Getting back up is something I have never thought of since I was so determined to end it all.

My parents brought me to a different place in hopes that I could feel different, that I could at least get over my suicidal tendencies. I can say that, for now, I guess it worked. I no longer think about dying, but that does not make me any less depressed. On the contrary, my depression and anxiety worsened. I feel even more pressured to ‘get back up’ because I feel like I owe it to my parents. If I did not ‘get well’, I’ll be wasting more of their time and money. I don’t want to complain since I feel like I have no right to do so. All they wanted was to bring back the ‘old’ me. And I think it’s working, I am going back to that puppet I once were.

When you decide to take your life

When you decide to take your life

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I don’t exactly know how many of the deaths this year were caused by suicide, but what I do know is that suicide is taboo. In the eyes of our society, suicide is never the right way to die. So what is the right way to die? Homicide? Accidents? Natural causes? There is one thing that these people do not understand: NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO DIE. Not even the ones who committed/attempted/are thinking of suicide.

I admit. I tried to commit suicide more than once already. I am not making excuses for what we did/think of doing because during that time, suicide is the only/the best choice that we had. In my circle of friends, and family, I was considered as one of the strong-willed, and stubborn. So the news that I tried to kill myself took them by surprise. Having suicidal thoughts and actually trying to kill yourself are two different things after all. One of my closest friends had the inkling that I was having suicidal thoughts, but she never figured I’d act on them since she thought I was strong enough to resist. Well, she’s wrong on two accounts: one, I am not strong; two, I don’t trust her enough to disclose all of my thoughts.

What other people do not understand about us (us=people like me who have suicidal tendencies) is what we were/are feeling. The hopelessness, the loss of faith, the loneliness despite the crowd around us, the confusion, the lack of trust, the emptiness and the hole inside our chests that keeps on growing bigger every day, and finally, the exhaustion from keeping up the walls around us and the masks on our faces. And this will bring us to one of the worst feelings that we will have: losing the will to fight and to live. And when that happens, nothing else will exist, but the numbness. In our minds, we will have nothing else to lose, because we already lost everything, and that the people around us will be better off without us. On contrary to other people’s beliefs, during that time, we think that taking our lives is the only thing that can save our loved ones from the bad things that we have with us.

So, to the people out there who think that we are weak and stupid and coward, what if we are? That does not make us less of a human than you are. We all have something that we are afraid of; we all have fears, and we all have different ways of dealing with them. And we all have limits on how much we can handle everything. Just because you think we succumb to our fears, to the challenges against us, doesn’t mean that you are invincible. That doesn’t mean that you can step on us so you can feel better about yourself. You have no idea what we are going through, no matter how much you think you know, you never will.

Hues and Colours: The Series (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: Foxy White

Ghost and I walked back to the dorms after cleaning up the mess those Black idiots did in our locker room. 

We removed our masks upon entering our shared room. 

Our masks are important, because it is our identity. We are not allowed to remove them in public, especially when we finally receive our colours. 

We were both exhausted and we almost fell asleep the moment we reached our own beds. That was until Ghost burped and farted at the same time that we both laughed so hard until we cried. By the time we calmed down, we could no longer go to sleep. 

“What do you think is the next test about, Foxy?” Ghost suddenly asks from the other side of the room.

“I don’t know. But it couldn’t be any worse than the one we had earlier, right?” I sigh. I mean, taking another person’s life has got to be in everyone’s list of worst things they’ve done, right? 

“You mean killing someone who we think is annoying?” Ghost asks. It bothers me how casual his tone is about everything. 

“Well, yeah. At first I thought the test was said figuratively, until Red and Orange said it meant what it meant.” 

“To be honest, I already figured something like this would happen. My parents had me mentally and emotionally prepared for that before I joined the organization. I am kind of surprised another White made past that. Did Mr. Connie really annoy you that much?” I know that Ghost is uncomfortable when it comes to talking about his family. He would always slip something about them and then he will immediately shift to another topic. I understand him though. I never liked talking about my family as well. And we respect each other for that mute and mutual understanding. 

I wanted to forget what happened earlier. To keep my sanity, I have been telling myself that it was all just a nightmare. But what makes me worried is no matter how much I tell myself it was a bad dream, the morbid scene just keeps on playing over and over in my head…and I feel nothing. 

“Hey, Foxy. You asleep already?” 

“No. Sorry. I was just thinking.” 

“Really?” Ghost asked while chuckling.

I glared at him through the dark and threw a pillow at his direction. It must have hit him because I heard an ‘ooff’ sound from him. 

“I think we should rest, Ghost. Who knows what test tomorrow will be.” 

“Fine.” 

I let Ghost fall asleep before I let myself go back to what happened earlier. 

   
 

Glow in the Dark

Glow in the Dark. 

This is the first time I am going to post a less depressing theme. If you have heard of Skylar Grey’s brilliant song entitle ‘Glow in the Dark’, you would understand the strength it can give you, the courage to take on anything or anyone, the unknown in the dark. It goes against everything that I have been feeling before. The depressions and low self-preservations that I had for myself, when I listen to this song, I feel free and unburdened. I feel like I can be myself, that it is okay to be weak for a while. 

Don’t get me wrong. I still believe that it is not okay to show any signs of weaknesses to anyone. But it would be nice, you know, to glow in the dark once in a while. 

Hues and Colours: The Series (Chapter 2) (Edited)

Chapter 2: Hues and Colours

Hues and Colours is a group. No. It is an organization. A powerful one that controls the entire country. 

Rookies are given hues as code names and then when they pass the tests, certain colours are given to them. These colours will represent them in many ways. Other members can challenge or can steal it away, like an identity, one must fight for it whenever a duel is asked. 

I am Foxy White. A rookie.

There are different tests a rookie must pass in order to get a color. The color, however, is to be decided by the senior members in-charge of the tests and simulations. I am on my third test. The first one was simple. It was a test of trust to the organization. We did a series of trust jumps. The second was for stamina. We had to go through different obstacle courses. The first time we started, there were thirteen of us. After the second test, two rookies gave up. And now, after this test, only six of us are left. 

Foxy White, Ghost White, Steel Black, Jessie Black, Fucker Black, and Lena Black. Of course, the Blacks outnumbered us. And they never forgot to remind us once we got back to head quarters. They vandalized our lockers, writing stuffs like quitters and such, and drawing dicks and other whatnots. Childish bastards.

“They’re just envious of you, Whites. It’s because you eliminated high-class targets.” Orange says as she hands us cleaning tools. Of course, we had to clean their mess. Great. 

“What do you mean, O?” Ghost pouts beside me. I had no idea there were other Whites to come back with me back at the testing area. I was pretty sure they were able to stand their ground. I don’t know what happened with him. We haven’t had the chance to talk yet. 

“Foxy here killed Blue, and you eliminated Green.” O says as if the information is nothing new.

“What?!” We exclaim in unison. 

“Ms. English is Green?”

“Mr. Connie is Blue?” 

Ghost and I stared at each other in confusion and repeated the questions in vice versa to each other. 

“Yes. The masters are not very happy with losing members, but they prefer stronger and more able ones. Just a few more tests and you will become official members.” She lowers her voice, “Some senior members are already betting for the two of you. Some of us already have colors in our minds.”

She winks at us and disappears before we could even open our mouths. 

Wow. Blue and Green are dead. 

   
   

  

Walking on Thin Ice

Walking on thin ice

How can you walk on or over thin ice? I am not talking about literal thinly glazed body of water, okay? Let’s say for example, a very suffocating home arrangement, an irritating school setting, or a nerve-wrecking game with chance or fate. 

On certain occasions, we are anxious of what might happen because of those moments’ unpredictability. It is very disheartening, to be honest. The figurative equivalent is very fitting, ‘walking on thin ice’. We can’t control what would happen during those moments, we have no idea what might occur, and so we become worried and scared to find out. 

But just like every scary thing, it will come whether we are prepared or not. Or rather, no matter how prepared we are. Now, there will only be two things that might happen. One, we are able to carry ourselves past the patches of thin ice. Or, two, we are to brace ourselves for the hard and cold fall. 

The latter came almost as a literal slap in my face today. Actually, it would have been better if that happened, rather than the exchange of usual harsh words at home. 

I feel my old self coming back, and my masks coming back to place. It’s time to protect myself. Maybe I really should help myself, for me. Everything, for me. I need to fix my masks. I need to get my life back together. I have to stand back up. 

I am starting to realize, that I don’t really need anyone. I tried. This happened. We all have a different view on things. So, if you know someone who is going through depression, do not force your help on them. You have no idea what their pains are. 

Fix your masks, because the only thing you need to stand back up and stay up is yourself and your weapons.